Eli and Silas's births did not go as I planned. For a long time that made me really sad. When I get into conversations where
Somewhere in the past few months I have managed to move past the feelings that I have been harboring about my birth experiences. I have been able to forgive myself for not doing what I meant to do, and accept the beauty of the births I had. I have realized that no matter how a baby comes, the entrance into this world is truly beautiful. With Eli I was able to take advantage of the miracle of modern medicine - without it we wouldn't be here today! With Silas I was able to accomplish what many women do not - giving birth vaginally after having a cesarean birth. Although it didn't go as I dreamed it would, I did it, and that is a real accomplishment! And with those accomplishments and experiences under my belt I am feeling prepared to do it all over again. And I have a game plan!
I am going to deliver my next baby in my home, in water, with my husband and both boys by my side.
I will be very clear with my midwives about what I want and what I need. I want a natural homebirth in water. I need them to trust that I can do it, even if I say I can't. I need them to tell me I am strong when I feel weak. I need them to grab me and tell me that labour may be hard, and may be painful, but that I can do it!
I will take a natural childbirth class... or two... or maybe even three. Despite my ridiculous amount of research on the matter, I think the more prepared I am, the better. Besides, let's be honest, any excuse to sit around and talk about birth is an excuse enough for me!
I will hire a doula, as well as my midwives. I will tell her the same thing I tell the midwives, just in case they have a moment of weakness. I know I am strong, and that I can do it, but I think I will need to be reminded of it, and so the more people prepared to do that, the better!
I will have a birth plan that states not how I want my birth to go, but how I expect to be treated. Sure, I'd love to dictate that I only labour for 6 hours and push for 20 minutes, but really, what is more important is that I am allowed to labour at home, in peace, with my family around me; that I am not encouraged to push until I feel the urge, and that I am instead encouraged to move and find a position that works best for me and my baby, that I will support my own baby as he or she emerges into this world. Oh, I am excited to write my birth plan, yes I am!
It has been suggested by family members, doctors and friends alike that perhaps I should just give up and accept that I cannot give birth the way I want; that I am crazy not to be scared of doing it all over again; that I would do well to lower my expectations of birth, so I won't be disappointed again. I will not expect less just because there is a chance of disappointment. I am excited, I am looking forward to it! I am strong: I am amazing, actually, and I know I can do it!