I'm torn

After a wildly busy weekend, with Easter hunts, Zoo dates, learning to ride a big boy bike, long naps with my boys, and visits to the farm, I sit in my home now with a knitting project in my hands, watching my boys play so nicely together, and I realize that I need to cherish every minute of this.

In the final days of my pregnancy I swing wildly back and forth between feeling like 'I NEED this baby out NOW' and, 'I'm feeling good, I've got it good, and baby can just cook as long as he or she needs'.  Every time my belly tightens around my little one, and I wonder if it's the beginning of my birthing time, I get excited. But at the same time I wonder how things will change once it's all over.  The moment Silas was born everything changed between me and Eli.  Not that it was bad, it was just different.  He was no longer my only little buddy, my constant companion, my best friend.  He suddenly had to share all that.  For some reason I think the transition will be easier this time. After all, Eli and Silas have each other - and they are used to sharing me.  Still, things will be different.  Silas will not be my baby any more.  He will be a big boy, just like his brother.  Eli will likely have more responsibilities, and I know he will take them on beautifully.  He is always so glad to help.  But, having a new baby in our home will make him seem so much older.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy the fleeting moments of the life I have with just Eli and Silas. I am going to let them play Lego a little longer, when I think things should be cleaned up.  I am going to try to be patient when they need to hug each other for at least two minutes before they go to bed at night. I am going to stare just a minute more when I check on them at night and they are draped over each other, sleeping so soundly.  I am going to pray that as the years go on, and my attention gets more and more divided, that my love for these boys multiplies just as much.  I don't know if we are adding another brother, or a little sister, to the mix, but whatever it is, I hope Eli and Silas will always know just how lucky they have it, having each other, and just how much their mommy is going to miss them, when it was just them.