Goodbye, Hello!

I'm rereading the Harry Potter Series right now.  I've rushed through books 1-6 and thoroughly enjoyed each one.  However, I find myself stalling even starting the seventh.  Why?  Because I know how it ends, but maybe by not reading it I can avoid it.  Because I don't want it to be over again. Because saying goodbye to good characters in a book is like saying goodbye to good friends, and I hate saying goodbye. 

Today marks a major turning point in the life of the Wiebes.  Today we finish a chapter that I'm not sure I am ready to finish.  Today we say goodbye to a lot of things that we will never see again in the same way.  But, today also begins a new chapter, a new hello. 

Goodbyes:

5 years, 7 months and 25 days of being married to a student

Too much in student loans to count

Five different houses

Frequent flying

Long drives

Holiday adventures with the Sniebes

Visits with Auntie Chloe

The Mitten

Dear friends from The Mitten - the Paxtons, Governs, Jamisons and so many more

Warm spring, hot summer and beautiful fall Michigan days

Downtown Rochester

The Great Lakes

The sales!

Whole Foods around the corner

Detroit Zoo

A simple life where things never seemed to get too busy

My AP/LLL support group of Mommas

So, so, so much more.

Hellos:

Living with mom and dad again

Grandmas and Grandpas

Aunties and Uncles

COUSINS!

The Farm, the farmers, the horses, the rides

Crazy family dinners

Family birthdays

Making money (hopefully someday soon)

Paying off loans

Winter like no Michigander knows it

Okay, so my list of Goodbyes could have gone on forever, and my list of Hellos seems rather short. But I guess that's because I've never read this book before: I don't know how it ends. But, after all the goodbyes are said and done, I guess I can't wait to see what the next chapter holds and where it takes us. Hello new life!

Well, I've got to go, I've got to finish Harry Potter!

Confessions of a Birth Junkie

I'll be the first to admit that I am a birth junkie.  I read birth books regardless if I'm pregnant or not.  I stalk blogs and message boards, reading birth stories and gazing at pictures.  I routinely host Birth Movie nights, featuring films such as: The Business of Being Born, Birth Day, Birth As We Know It, and, always a crowd pleaser, Orgasmic Birth (if you have any other suggestions, send them my way - I've watched these ones to the point of memorization!)  My most recent Amazon order included the following books: The Doula Book: How a Trained Labor Companion Can Help You Have a Shorter, Easier and Healthier Birth, Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide, and The Birth Partner. I quite honestly dream of having a normal, natural childbirth.

Yet, I've had two VERY medicalized births.  The first, a cesarean birth, and the second, a forceps delivery. Both births, I admit, were relatively pain free, as I was frozen quite thoroughly. For years, before the prospect of having children was actually upon me, before I knew anything about anything, I used to joke that I wanted to be frozen from the neck down from the first contraction on.  Well, I got that, and I hated it!  I'll be honest, the worst part was, I couldn't hold my babies after they were born.  My arms were tied down.  For the birth of both my sons THAT is the memory that prevails: me, laughing through my tears, just looking at my boys because I couldn't reach out and touch them.  The very moment that is supposed to transcend all, and that's what I remember: me, strapped to a table.  I am woman; hear me whimper.

 Staring at Eli for the first time.


I want to have more babies: many more, if God sees fit.  But somehow I just can't accept the idea that all that matters is that I have healthy babies.  Obviously that isn't all that matters, or I wouldn't think of it daily almost three years after the birth of my first son.  With my cesarean birth I know that it was necessary.  Four and a half days after my water broke, surgical birth really was the only answer.  The forceps delivery, however, I am filled with guilt and disappointment every time I think about it.  Guilt that I didn't prepare enough, didn't know enough, didn't insist enough. 

In retrospect, I think the midwife I used for Silas's birth had a perception of me that I was very independent and strong, and therefore wouldn't need much guidance in labour.  But, I had never gone through labour before.  I had never reached transition.  I had never felt like I was either going to be torn apart, or blown to pieces.  So, when I said I wanted to go to the hospital and get some pain killer, she said okay.  And off we went.  I'll tell you something: I. DO. NOT. LIKE. HOSPITALS.  It was not the place for me.  Intervention after intervention lead me to the operating room once again, prepped and ready for a cesarean, with a OBGYN who merely condescended to trying the forceps because I absolutely insisted.

 The first picture I have of us after the birth - no camera in the Operating Room this time. 


Despite all odds against me, I had my VBAC.  I should have been celebrating.  I should have been rejoicing.  But, I was in more pain than I had been with Eli's birth and I still couldn't hold my baby.  They wouldn't let me bathe him.  They changed all his diapers.  And I felt even more disappointed than I had with the cesarean.

So, where do I go from here?  How do I prepare more than I have prepared?  Where do I find the empowerment I know exists in birth, but has thus far eluded me?  All the movies, all the books, all the meditation, the preparation and the prayers have brought me two wonderful, healthy babies that I love more than life itself, but have left me with a distrust in my body and my person.

Onward I go.  I will not be dissuaded.  I will read more.  I will prepare more.  I am taking a class from Birthing From Within called Birth Stories.  I am going to do Brain Gym.  I am going to do everything I can, because I know it matters, because I know that having the birth I want to have will somehow heal the pain from the births I've actually had.   Because, after all, this is the thing that God has given women, and I want to experience it as it is meant to be experienced!

I wish I was a Witch!

So, maybe you don't look at knit wear when watching your favourite movies, but I do.  Recently we watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for the first time, and this hat called to me:

 First of all, did you notice that there are no lenses in Harry's glasses?  That made me laugh.  Secondly, check out Hermione's hat. Beautiful, eh?

So, I just had to make it.  I'm certainly not talented enough to make it sans pattern, so after a pretty easy search I found this pattern, and voila!

This one actually was just a sample, made out of yarn from my stash.  I have some other yarn I am going to make another from, now that I've figured out sizing.  This one (and the other one I made) will be added to the giveaway pile!

Now I just have to find a pattern for Hermione's scarf!

Easter Fun

Well, this week we went to my parents cabin in Sandpoint to enjoy the Easter holiday, sans internet.  My sister Phoebe, her friend Heidi, Alice and the boys and my folks were all there.  It was a blast.  Eli, for better or for worse, learns so much from his cousins.  I just love watching him observe them, and then trying to imitate them.  We did lots of fun stuff, but here's just a sampling:

Phoebe and Grandma read lots of books to Eli. 

Oscar and Winston put away past differences... well, mostly.

We had a Family Home Evening lesson on knowing the Shepherd's voice, and made some hand print sheep. (Have I mentioned that I LOVE hand print crafts!?)

Silas and Mari became aquainted.

Andy taught Eli how to wrestle.

My mom and dad ate like Macrobiotic fiends!

Easter egg decorating.

Silas modeled all the hats I made (blog giveaway, here I come!)

The Easter Bunny came.

Oh, and the HOT tub. 

Living in Spokane has really blessed us with being so close to family.  Eli has learned to fit right in with all his cousins.  He declared MANY times this week that he "just loves the cabin" or Grandpa, or Grandma, or even the stairs.  I love it so much.  However, this Easter we also really missed our home in Michigan.  The past two General Conference weekends we have spent at our friends the Paxton's. We missed them a lot knowing that we will probably not do that ever again. 

And, because it was Easter weekend, let me declare my testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  As I spent the week with my family I was reminded how grateful I am to have a Saviour who loved me enough to atone for my sins so that I can return to my Father in Heaven, with my Eternal Family.  I am so blessed to know of the gospel of Jesus Christ here on the earth and testify that it is true.

Happy Easter!

Shots of our Day

I can imagine the oooohs and aaaahs you are all expelling right now.  Yes, they are cute.

But, like most photo shoots, we ended up like this.

Eli helped make quesadillas for dinner.

He was sad because he "burned" himself on his barely warm pan.


And then there's this gem:

The Golden Eggs

I just loved making these.  They were easy, and oh so beautiful.  And, in an attempt to live a natural life, who can argue with pure wool, naturally dyed, eggs? 

I could have made them entirely out of roving, but in an attempt to use up supplies I already have, and save a little money, I just made different sized balls of leftover wool yarn, and then wrapped them in various coloured roving.  Then, with a little soap and hot water, I felted them and shaped the balls like eggs.  Because they are felted, they are very dense and will keep their shape. They will look beautiful in our Easter baskets this year.  I LOVE THEM!

Giveaways!!!

Many blogs offer giveaways as a way of promoting various products.  When I see one that I like, I often enter.  Why not, right???  Well, I have actually won two different giveaways.  I won a $50 coupon at Old Navy (Eli's summer wardrobe!) and today I won this cute switch plate.  Not sure what I'm going to do with it, as I don't have any girls, but it's really about the thrill of winning anyway, right?  (If you have a room that matches, let me know?)

Seeing as I aspire to being more than the blog I am, I think I am going to host my own giveaway.  You see, I  haven't found out if I'm having boys or girls with either of my pregnancies, so I happen to have a lot of little girl hats and such that I have made that I am willing to offer up.  We are moving in two weeks, so as I am packing I will find them all and post pictures, and one lucky "follower" will win!  And, for those of you with boys, I might even whip up a few hats for you!  So, stay tuned for the first ever {hands full of happiness} giveaway!!!  You are excited, I know.