What I did with my Placenta

The placenta is a truly amazing organ.  For nine months it homes and nourishes our babies in a way that no man has ever been able to replicate. It is formed from the same sperm and egg that babies develop from. It grows perfectly with the baby, providing exactly what the baby needs at the different stages of pregnancy.

After my first two births I have no idea to what end my placentas came to.  In surgical births you don't really get a chance to admire that first home of your newborn baby.  They just clean it up with the rest of the "mess" and cart it away.  Well, in a home birth, it's up to you to dispose or do otherwise with your own placenta.  I've always had plans of burying my placenta's in the "Pet Cemetery" at the farm where I keep my horses.

But then, several months before I got pregnant, I learned about placentophagy, the act of eating your placenta after childbirth. 

Let me stop right there and tell you that when Jared and I got married, he would never have imagined that 7 1/2 years later I'd be birthing our third child in our living room and eating my own placenta.  I had an inkling about the home birth, but never would have dreamed of ingesting placenta.

Yet, here I am, two weeks and two days postpartum, and I am ready to become the poster child for the practice!

While I have never suffered from postpartum depression or had issues with milk supply, the two most sought after benefits of consuming ones placenta, I have felt the "baby blues" in the days after birth, and was very curious to see what other advantages I might gain from it.  So, in the minutes after birth I made sure my placenta was saved and properly stored and called my friend Susan from Pure Birth Services to come pick it up and do her magic!  While the placenta capsules are often prepared using the Traditional Chinese Medicine method of steaming the placenta with healing herbs prior to dehydrating and encapsulating it, I asked Susan to prepare mine raw.

There is lots of information online about why you might consume your own placenta, including:
- balancing your hormones after childbirth
- replenishing your lost iron supply (most moms loose 1/10th to 1/8th of their body's iron during childbirth)
- giving you more energy
- shortening postpartum bleeding time
- increasing milk supply
- reducing the chance of postpartum depression
- quickening the involution of the uterus to pre-pregnancy state
- it can even be helpful during menopause, if you save the pills until then

On the second morning after I had the baby Susan brought me back my placenta, now encapsulated into well over 100 capsules, for me to take over the coming weeks and months.

I immediately took two pills, and continued to do so over the course of the day.  That night my milk "came in", something that doesn't usually happen that quickly after childbirth.  And, while it may be just because this little one is my third baby, my milk supply also settled very quickly, by day four.  With both Eli and Silas I battled over-supply for weeks.  I recall sitting on the toilet after Eli was born with milk dripping from my very swollen breasts, in such pain, sobbing and sobbing.  I felt none of that this time.

In fact, I have not felt a moment of the very typical "baby blues."  I haven't had a weepy day. I haven't felt overly tired.  I have felt so good I've had to force myself to take it easy for these past two weeks.

At my appointment this week Carol, my midwife, said that my uterus has shrunk to where most women's are at 12 weeks.  I have almost completely stopped bleeding, at two weeks, which didn't happen until 6 weeks postpartum with my past births. 

Perhaps it's all in my head, perhaps it's just a placebo, but it's working, and that's fantastic!  I will definitely encapsulate my placenta again, and am excited to see what other benefits I will discover still.

Unfortunately it hasn't helped me pick a name for this baby: He Who Must Not Be Named.

Introducing....

...our newest bundle of joy!!!

We are officially a family of boys!  This little one was born on April 11, 2012, at 9:23 am, at home, in the water.  It was a quick, peaceful labour.  The midwife barely made it (because I didn't call her until I was pushing), showing up just 19 minutes before baby was born.  It was such an empowering experience, and very healing. Baby weighed in at 8 lbs, 2 oz and measures 21 inches long.   He does not have a name yet, but when he does I will update with his name and birth story.  We are all doing amazingly well - in fact, I've never felt better!

I'm torn

After a wildly busy weekend, with Easter hunts, Zoo dates, learning to ride a big boy bike, long naps with my boys, and visits to the farm, I sit in my home now with a knitting project in my hands, watching my boys play so nicely together, and I realize that I need to cherish every minute of this.

In the final days of my pregnancy I swing wildly back and forth between feeling like 'I NEED this baby out NOW' and, 'I'm feeling good, I've got it good, and baby can just cook as long as he or she needs'.  Every time my belly tightens around my little one, and I wonder if it's the beginning of my birthing time, I get excited. But at the same time I wonder how things will change once it's all over.  The moment Silas was born everything changed between me and Eli.  Not that it was bad, it was just different.  He was no longer my only little buddy, my constant companion, my best friend.  He suddenly had to share all that.  For some reason I think the transition will be easier this time. After all, Eli and Silas have each other - and they are used to sharing me.  Still, things will be different.  Silas will not be my baby any more.  He will be a big boy, just like his brother.  Eli will likely have more responsibilities, and I know he will take them on beautifully.  He is always so glad to help.  But, having a new baby in our home will make him seem so much older.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy the fleeting moments of the life I have with just Eli and Silas. I am going to let them play Lego a little longer, when I think things should be cleaned up.  I am going to try to be patient when they need to hug each other for at least two minutes before they go to bed at night. I am going to stare just a minute more when I check on them at night and they are draped over each other, sleeping so soundly.  I am going to pray that as the years go on, and my attention gets more and more divided, that my love for these boys multiplies just as much.  I don't know if we are adding another brother, or a little sister, to the mix, but whatever it is, I hope Eli and Silas will always know just how lucky they have it, having each other, and just how much their mommy is going to miss them, when it was just them.

Baby Stat Poll!

So, apparently I'm going to have a baby soon.  Very soon.  Eek.  I'm excited to meet this little on inside my body.  Is it a boy or a girl?  Will it have dark hair like Silas did, or no hair, like Eli.  Will it look like me or Jared (since we can only come up with one or the other, no blending at all.)  I am really getting eager to know just who it is inside of me.

So....  what do you think?  Comment here with your guesses, and I will put them in the baby book that I will probably never get around to making (that's promising, eh?) 

Here's what I'm looking for:

Birthday -
Gender -
Weight -

Just so you know, my completely unofficial due date is "the middle of April."  Sorry, that's all you get.  I don't believe in due dates, I believe that babies decide their birthdays.  It really is "the middle of April" though.

And, for the record, Eli was born at 35 +5 weeks, and weighed in at 6lbs 4 oz.  Silas was born at 40 +1 weeks and was 8lbs 4 oz.  

And Meg, make sure Sam guesses!

Faith from Afar

If you've read any of my posts about my past births, you will know that I have a few regrets.  For both Eli and Silas's births I planned home births (or a hotel birth, in Silas's case, if you are being specific).  In both cases I ended up in the hospital, drugged, assisted and disappointed. 

Well, I am doing a few things different this time (not traveling across an international border while in labour, for one...) I am going again for a homebirth, and can't wait to experience birth the way my body was meant to do it.

Last week I received a gift in the mail.  It was a gift from someone I don't even know, in real life anyway.  I am part of a Due Date Club on Mothering.com.  Several of the women who frequent the board got together to do a gift exchange.  The momma who sent me a gift is from Brooklyn.  She was so thoughtful and her gift so powerful.  This is what she sent:

Would it be admitting too much if I said I cried?  I did.  Just a little.  She wrote the nicest note, saying that she just knew I would get my homebirth this time, and that my baby would be able to proudly wear this sweet little onesie.  And the crochet cowboy boots???  Well, need I even say anything about those.  You all know I LOVE them!  I don't know why, but her sending me her faith all the way from Brooklyn just means so much.  It's not just me that thinks I can do this: my online friend from Brooklyn believes in me too.  This little onesie is staying out until my baby is here as a reminder of the faith in me all around.  And I can't wait to send her a picture of my baby wearing it!!!

And, for my giftee, Laura in Toronto, I knit her this little sweater and hat:

The sweater is Mossy.  I knit it on a tighter gauge so that it would fit a brand new newborn, and wouldn't have to be grown into.  The hat is a favourite pattern of mine: Aviatrix.

26 weeks!

That's right, I'm 26(ish) weeks pregnant.  I wish I could say it has flown by, but seriously, I'm only 2/3 the way there.  That's crazy stuff.  According to my pregnancy app, baby is "about the length of an English cucumber." What?!  Every week it tells me which random vegetable or fruit my baby resembles in size, and the next time I grocery shop I gaze at the different sized sweet peppers and wonder which one my baby looks most like.  Not surprisingly, I don't dream of giving birth to kittens or monsters, like most pregnant women, but of delivering my very own patch of parsnips, or a whole head of celery.

Now that Christmas is over I have finally been able to think about the impending birth of this child. Since Silas's birth I have become fairly educated in childbirth.  I have attended numerous births as a doula and friend.  I have read even more books than I had read before.  If I once called myself a birth junkie, I am now a bona fide addict.

So, I'm doing a few things different this birth.  By moving into the condo I've accomplished my most important goal, to have a home I am comfortable in and won't have to leave during labour and birth.  We will set up our birth tub right in the middle of the family room and I will have three of my sisters within minutes of my home to watch my boys if I feel the need.  I'm already excited about that!

I'm also committing to myself NOT to get too excited when I start labour with this little one.  While my midwife has assured me that this labour will go much faster than my previous births (really, how could it not after a 106 hour labour with Eli and 53 hour labour with Silas.)  So, when I start to have contractions, I am going to ignore them for as long as I possibly can. I am going to try to sleep. I am going to bake a cake.  I am going to do everything I can to make sure I am not exhausted when the "final push" comes.

Because that's my plan, I also plan on not calling the midwives until I absolutely have to.  I've discovered, even as a doula, that it really bugs me when the birth team sits there and takes notes about the birth, be they midwives or nurses or anyone else.  I don't want the midwives to have any downtime to do paperwork right next to me while I'm labouring, so I'm not going to call them until I know they will get there when we are all ready to work. 

I will be having a photographer/wonderful sister/babysitter at my birth.  Chloe is going to come to take care of my boys, if they need it, and take pictures of the event.  I love watching birth videos, and I plan on capturing my own wonderful birth!

After the baby is born I will not clamp the cord until I feel the need to, be that a few minutes or a few hours.  I will not be rushed into weighing, measuring or any other such nonsense.  I will give my baby his or her first bath, not sit back and watch someone else do it. I will, as I have in both my other births, breastfeed my baby immediately.

In regards to my placenta, I am planning on having it encapsulated and will take it as a supplement in the weeks and months following my birth.  Taking your own placenta has so many benefits that I am excited to experience.

I am preparing for this birth with Hypnobabies.  I have borrowed the homestudy program from a new friend I met through MDC.  I am going to review my Bradley Method material, reread Birthing From Withing and Hypnobirthing and practice all my relaxation techniques over the next three months. 

And given all that, I am also very accepting of the fact that every birth is it's own experience, and that everything may not go like I want them to.  In both my previous births, which did not go as I planned, great things happened, and I was empowered and strengthened through them.  I also learned what is important to me and what I can do differently to have a better experience. I am looking forward to the preparation and the experience, whatever it may be.

I Want to Give Birth

No, I'm not pregnant, but I'd like to be soon, and so I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I've come to at least one conclusion: I'm excited to give birth.  That's right: excited!

Eli and Silas's births did not go as I planned.  For a long time that made me really sad.  When I get into conversations where war stories I mean, birth stories, are shared, I all too often typically get one of two responses: the "well, you have two healthy babies, that's really what matters, right?" and the "well, if you had only done this or that you could have had the perfect birth."  I even once got a "Well, I guess God was just teaching you a lesson for trying to plan what was out of your control."  Huh? Not helpful.  For some reason it is fine to share your horrific, graphic and terrible birth stories, but being disappointed by them is taboo. Well, guess what?  I believe it is okay to be upset by your birth experience!  That's right, it's fine to feel disappointment, pain, guilt and sadness over what happened during a birth.  It's even okay to place blame on others, if that's where you feel it belongs.  Of course a healthy baby is what really matters, but there is nothing wrong with expecting your body to do what it was meant to do, even if we understand that sometimes things are out of our control. There is nothing wrong with being affected by what happened or how you were treated in birth.  

Somewhere in the past few months I have managed to move past the feelings that I have been harboring about my birth experiences.  I have been able to forgive myself for not doing what I meant to do, and accept the beauty of the births I had.  I have realized that no matter how a baby comes, the entrance into this world is truly beautiful.  With Eli I was able to take advantage of the miracle of modern medicine - without it we wouldn't be here today!  With Silas I was able to accomplish what many women do not - giving birth vaginally after having a cesarean birth. Although it didn't go as I dreamed it would, I did it, and that is a real accomplishment!  And with those accomplishments and experiences under my belt I am feeling prepared to do it all over again.  And I have a game plan!

I am going to deliver my next baby in my home, in water, with my husband and both boys by my side. 

I will be very clear with my midwives about what I want and what I need.  I want a natural homebirth in water. I need them to trust that I can do it, even if I say I can't. I need them to tell me I am strong when I feel weak.  I need them to grab me and tell me that labour may be hard, and may be painful, but that I can do it!

I will take a natural childbirth class... or two... or maybe even three.  Despite my ridiculous amount of research on the matter, I think the more prepared I am, the better. Besides, let's be honest, any excuse to sit around and talk about birth is an excuse enough for me!

I will hire a doula, as well as my midwives.  I will tell her the same thing I tell the midwives, just in case they have a moment of weakness.  I know I am strong, and that I can do it, but I think I will need to be reminded of it, and so the more people prepared to do that, the better!

I will have a birth plan that states not how I want my birth to go, but how I expect to be treated.  Sure, I'd love to dictate that I only labour for 6 hours and push for 20 minutes, but really, what is more important is that I am allowed to labour at home, in peace, with my family around me; that I am not encouraged to push until I feel the urge, and that I am instead encouraged to move and find a position that works best for me and my baby, that I will support my own baby as he or she emerges into this world.  Oh, I am excited to write my birth plan, yes I am!

It has been suggested by family members, doctors and friends alike that perhaps I should just give up and accept that I cannot give birth the way I want; that I am crazy not to be scared of doing it all over again; that I would do well to lower my expectations of birth, so I won't be disappointed again.  I will not expect less just because there is a chance of disappointment.  I am excited, I am looking forward to it!  I am strong: I am amazing, actually, and I know I can do it!

My life, right now.

Remember a few months ago when I was whining about feeling like I had no purpose here in Calgary?  Well, I finally am beginning to feel at home here, and am excited about the months to come!

Eli and Silas are such a riot right now.  Silas is finally at an age where he and Eli are really starting to play.  Silas still refuses to talk, or sign, or do much besides point, nod and go "Uhhhh" with various inflections, which we try to interpret.  But, he is so stinking cute that we don't much mind.  He is terribly mischievous, and I spend most of my time at home trying to make sure that he doesn't destroy something else of my mom's.  I can't wait until he does start talking, because I'm sure he'll have a lot to say.  Together we are taking swimming lessons right now, and he is loving it. Eli is an absolute riot.  Where Silas lacks in communication skills, Eli makes up for it.  Today on our way out he asked, "Mommy, what's college?" I tried to explain and he said, "I want to go to college and be a lawyer just like daddy, but I want to go to college in our house.  Can you teach me college at home? I'm going to ask Andy about it, because he goes to college."  I don't know where he get's these things, but I sure love it.  He is taking a class at the YMCA with crafts, gym time, and a swimming lesson as well as an art class with the City of Calgary. It is fun to have him out and involved, and he loves it so much. 


This week Jared writes the last of his exams that will allow him to practice law in Canada!  That means that next week he can start looking for a job, and once the results are back, he can do what we have worked all these years for him to be able to do.  After four years we are ready to enter the next stage, and I am so incredibly proud of Jared for getting to this point.  Go, Jared, go!

In the life before I was a mommy I was a teacher. I always wanted to be a mommy, but I also loved being a teacher.  Not once have I wished to go back to that life, but every once in a while I wish I could stand in front of a group of teenagers again and impart something to them.  Today I got to do that!  I am teaching two classes of Speech Arts to Alice's homeschool group. It is actually quite perfect.  I teach for two hours every week while Eli and Silas play with the Russells. And I make a little money doing it.  There is literally no downside.  Today was a lot of fun, and I really think I'm going to enjoy it. The best part is, I get to teach Benny. I love teaching people I love.  I taught Phoebe when she was in grade 7, and it was a riot.  Benny is pretty rad, so I think it's going to be wonderful!

But, the most exciting thing going on in my life right now is my budding Doula business (for which I have yet to pick a name.) At this time I have three births lined up before summer, and I am so excited for each and every one. Honestly, I. LOVE. BIRTH.  I do.  I love that I get to help birthing women.  I love that I get to help women I love! Being asked to be a Doula at someone's birth is quite honestly such an honor to me, and I'm truly grateful to be able to do what I'm doing.  It is so exciting!  So, send your referrals, and your name suggestions my way, because I'm rearing to go.

It's nice to be excited about what's going on in my life.  I'm feeling like things are falling into place, and I am thrilled.  We are fixing up our Ranchlands house next week, and either finding a renter (prolonging our stay in the basement room) or moving in.  We'll see what the market is like.  Either way it gives us a chance to work on something, and I am excited to do it.   Life is good. There is lots to be grateful for.  I hope everyone else is feeling the same, because it's good to feel good!

Becoming a Doula

Two months before Silas was born, belly swollen and anticipation peaking, my incredible friend Sierra and her darling husband asked me to be part of the birth of their first daughter, to take pictures while they were focusing on other things. It was quite honestly one of the most incredible experiences of my entire life!  While I had seen countless videos of birth, actually witnessing their little Evelyn be born into this world was deeply spiritual for me.

(I don't think I even took this picture, I think it was from Jonathan's phone!)

I went to the birth armed with the knowledge I had from preparing for two births, but little else.  I like to think I was more useful than just being a photographer, but I'm not so sure.  Regardless, the experience left me with a desire to do it again, better educated and equipped to help the birthing mother through labour,

This weekend I began that journey.  I spent an emotional, educational and exciting three days in a workshop to become a certified birth doula.  A doula is someone who accompanies a woman in labour, providing emotional and physical support and offering comfort measures. There are incredible studies showing that with continuous support through labour, women are less likely to 
- receive regional analgesia
- have any analgesia/anesthesia
- give birth with vacuum or forceps
- give birth by cesarean
- be dissatisfied with their birth experience

This weekend I learned the basics of how to provide that support.  Most of the books on the reading list I had already read, and many of the comfort measures they taught us I learned as I prepared for the births of my two sons. However, considering how those births went, having a doula by my side at my next birth will be absolutely imperative: somehow all that I knew went out the window when I was in labour! 

Although I didn't expect it to, the workshop also provided me with a chance to heal a little from the memories and emotions I have been harboring about Silas's birth. As we talked through what a doula could do in similar circumstances, as I shared parts of my story with the other 29 women there, I don't know if I gave myself permission to grieve, or excused myself from the guilt I had surrounding that birth, but I definitely walked away with less pain and regret. That alone was worth the weekend!

So, now that the workshop is complete, to become a certified doula I need to attend three births, do a bunch of paperwork and I will be on my way!  After four years of being completely consumed by birth, I am so excited to be taking this step.  While I have no intention of ever making a living out of this, hopefully I will be able to help some women as they become mothers!  I quite honestly can't think of anything I would rather do with this kind of knowledge. 



And, as it is the end of the week, I get to announce a winner for my felted wool ball giveaway.  I was super excited to see that the very person who inspired this weekend won the giveaway, Sierra Hocklander!  Yeah! Sierra, let me know if you want me to personalize the balls or not, and I will be sending a package your way in the next week. Congratulations!

Only two more giveaways left! Come back tomorrow to see what's in store for this week!

Birth on my Mind

No, I'm not pregnant.  Not even close.

A good friend of mine is, though.

This friend, who shall remain nameless for now, is going to have a VBAC.  She believes that her cesarean was the result of the typical cascade of interventions, starting with an unnecessary induction, an accidental water breakage, continuous monitoring, etc., etc., etc....

She wants a different experience this time, and is willing to fight for it.  She's going into it educated and empowered. She's a champ! 


Remember this post?  Five months later I'm still looking for the answers. I've read so many books I can't even count, and I've got lots of new ideas of how to handle my next birth. But, there's still so much to learn.

In the mean time, I've decided to put some of my knowledge into action, and hopefully to good use.  In November I am going to start training to become a certified Doula, a professional birth assistant.  I am so excited!

Studies show that when a doula attends a birth, labors are shorter with fewer complications, babies are healthier and they breastfeed more easily.  I plan on using a doula with my next birth, even though I will have midwives.

I want to be a doula because I want to help women be empowered by the birth experience, not scared by it.

Part of the certification is a requirement to attend three births, as a doula, for free.  Last summer I was blessed to attend the birth of my friends, Sierra and Jonathan Hocklander's baby, Evelyn.  It was absolutely amazing! It was her birth that actually made me consider becoming a doula.  My nameless, pregnant friend has asked me to be her doula.  I can't describe what an joy it is to be asked to be present at these moments. Honestly, I can think of no greater honour.

So, stay posted as I embark on this incredible journey. And hey, if you need a doula, I'm offering my services for free!

The Worst Two Months of My LIFE!!!

I have a friend, Coreen, who has six children.  She is amazing to me for so many reasons.  She is an incredible mother, a devoted friend, a spiritual giant and an inspiration.  Due to the wonderful housing market in the US right now, her husband has been finishing his residency in Pontiac, Mi. for the last 10 months, and she has been living with their 6 children in Tennessee.  I've always thought she was amazing, but having just spent the last two months with Jared in Spokane and me on my own in Calgary, I am in complete awe of her.  Honestly.  I am so sick of being a single mom, and can't wait until Jared is back with me. I can't imagine how single mothers survive day after day, week after week, month after month, and for some, year after year!  I see why Heavenly Father created us to procreate in pairs, because doing it alone is really, really hard (the raising the creations, not the procreating itself- although that would be really hard too.)

The past two months has given me a lot of time to consider just why I am so lucky to have Jared in my life, and why I love him so much.  So, here's to him:

It started a long time ago, before the idea of kids even crossed my mind. I thought you were crazy, and funny, and kind of liked you. We dated.  I was right, you were crazy and funny, and not ready for commitment, so I dumped you, and then I realized I loved you.

So, you said you wanted to get serious, move to Kelowna, and asked if I would come with you, as your wife.  Then you decided that Kelowna wasn't for you, and dropping out of university wasn't the best idea.  You stood faithfully by me through our crazy 3 month engagement with all the emotion involved there.  You supported me wholly through the worst teaching year ever when I worked for the crazy feminist, and we made it wonderfully through our first year.

When we decided to multiply you came to every one of my prenatals.  You supported my decision to hire midwives, even though they were expensive, and have a homebirth, even though it was so strange to you, knowing that although I was having our baby, it was my body and my experience, and so you researched and learned, and you were there when it all fell to pieces and I needed you most. 

You didn't want to leave Calgary, but you knew it's what you needed to do to "pay for the family" so you packed up the house and drove across the continent.  You suffered through 3 years of Law School. You spent countless nights reading, typing, studying.  You worked harder than you've ever worked before to finish school.

You have trusted your instincts, and mine, as we have learned how to parent.  You have embraced the gentle parenting approach that we try to live by.  When I bring information to you about health or parenting, you strive to understand it and then wholeheartedly go for it.  You are my biggest supporter when it comes to some of the things I do that others don't understand.

When we made another baby, you drove me to all my prenatals across the border, you again understood my desire for an empowered birth, and so you supported me in hiring midwives again, which was still expensive, and have a "hotelbirth," as we had no home.  And again, when plans changed, you were there to hold me up when everything around me was falling down.

You have used the power of the Priesthood, which you are worthy to hold, to bless me and our sons countless times.  You read the scriptures to them and teach them how to pray.  You show them how to be a good man and a wonderful father.

You continue to work hard, knowing that the adventure isn't quite over.  You are willing to live alone for two months to study for the hardest test yet.  You call me every night to tell me you love me and wish you were here.  You say prayers with Eli over the phone, and tell him you love him too. 

I love you so much. I am so glad that you stole me away from that boy.  I love that you love me, and can't wait to be with you again!

Confessions of a Birth Junkie

I'll be the first to admit that I am a birth junkie.  I read birth books regardless if I'm pregnant or not.  I stalk blogs and message boards, reading birth stories and gazing at pictures.  I routinely host Birth Movie nights, featuring films such as: The Business of Being Born, Birth Day, Birth As We Know It, and, always a crowd pleaser, Orgasmic Birth (if you have any other suggestions, send them my way - I've watched these ones to the point of memorization!)  My most recent Amazon order included the following books: The Doula Book: How a Trained Labor Companion Can Help You Have a Shorter, Easier and Healthier Birth, Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide, and The Birth Partner. I quite honestly dream of having a normal, natural childbirth.

Yet, I've had two VERY medicalized births.  The first, a cesarean birth, and the second, a forceps delivery. Both births, I admit, were relatively pain free, as I was frozen quite thoroughly. For years, before the prospect of having children was actually upon me, before I knew anything about anything, I used to joke that I wanted to be frozen from the neck down from the first contraction on.  Well, I got that, and I hated it!  I'll be honest, the worst part was, I couldn't hold my babies after they were born.  My arms were tied down.  For the birth of both my sons THAT is the memory that prevails: me, laughing through my tears, just looking at my boys because I couldn't reach out and touch them.  The very moment that is supposed to transcend all, and that's what I remember: me, strapped to a table.  I am woman; hear me whimper.

 Staring at Eli for the first time.


I want to have more babies: many more, if God sees fit.  But somehow I just can't accept the idea that all that matters is that I have healthy babies.  Obviously that isn't all that matters, or I wouldn't think of it daily almost three years after the birth of my first son.  With my cesarean birth I know that it was necessary.  Four and a half days after my water broke, surgical birth really was the only answer.  The forceps delivery, however, I am filled with guilt and disappointment every time I think about it.  Guilt that I didn't prepare enough, didn't know enough, didn't insist enough. 

In retrospect, I think the midwife I used for Silas's birth had a perception of me that I was very independent and strong, and therefore wouldn't need much guidance in labour.  But, I had never gone through labour before.  I had never reached transition.  I had never felt like I was either going to be torn apart, or blown to pieces.  So, when I said I wanted to go to the hospital and get some pain killer, she said okay.  And off we went.  I'll tell you something: I. DO. NOT. LIKE. HOSPITALS.  It was not the place for me.  Intervention after intervention lead me to the operating room once again, prepped and ready for a cesarean, with a OBGYN who merely condescended to trying the forceps because I absolutely insisted.

 The first picture I have of us after the birth - no camera in the Operating Room this time. 


Despite all odds against me, I had my VBAC.  I should have been celebrating.  I should have been rejoicing.  But, I was in more pain than I had been with Eli's birth and I still couldn't hold my baby.  They wouldn't let me bathe him.  They changed all his diapers.  And I felt even more disappointed than I had with the cesarean.

So, where do I go from here?  How do I prepare more than I have prepared?  Where do I find the empowerment I know exists in birth, but has thus far eluded me?  All the movies, all the books, all the meditation, the preparation and the prayers have brought me two wonderful, healthy babies that I love more than life itself, but have left me with a distrust in my body and my person.

Onward I go.  I will not be dissuaded.  I will read more.  I will prepare more.  I am taking a class from Birthing From Within called Birth Stories.  I am going to do Brain Gym.  I am going to do everything I can, because I know it matters, because I know that having the birth I want to have will somehow heal the pain from the births I've actually had.   Because, after all, this is the thing that God has given women, and I want to experience it as it is meant to be experienced!

When Three Became Four

The moment that Eli was placed on my chest (my arms were still strapped down to the table - what a wonderful memory) will forever be etched in my heart as the most emotional, wonderful moment of my life.  The primal instinct in me roared.  Despite the surgical birth we had just gone through, I didn't want anyone else to touch, or even look at my son.  I abruptly told Jared that he was not to worry about me, but that he wasn't to let our baby out of his sight.  I felt that every experience I had ever had culminated to that very instant, and that being a mother was all that I was ever meant to be.

I never felt the huge transition that some people say becoming a parent brings.  I don't know if I was blessed, or if the craziness that was my life when Eli was born didn't allow me to think much about it, but he and I didn't have much problem adjusting to each other. I felt prepared to take on the roll of motherhood, full throttle.  As the months since Eli entered our family have flown by, I have rarely felt overwhelmed or unprepared.  Sure, there have been moments of stress and worry, but in general I think I have handled it all pretty well.

Then came number two.

Who knew that this would be so much bigger of a transition for me, physically and emotionally.

In the first few days of Silas's life, I was dealing with, dare I say, disappointment of his birth, postpartum hormonal changes, and, most affecting, the emotional needs of my sweet two-year-old.  Up until the moment of Silas's birth Eli had been my best friend, my constant companion, and, other than Jared, my number one concern.  But suddenly all the rules changed.  He couldn't jump on the bed, because the baby was sleeping, nurse when he wanted, because the baby was nursing, scream, talk, stomp, or do so many things he had been allowed to do just days before, because of this new little creature we had brought home.  To be honest, I couldn't blame him when he asked us to take the baby "back to the hotel."  I found myself dealing with some of the same growing pains: never mind the surprise that the middle of the night feedings were, I wasn't prepared for the guilt and emotional exhaustion I would experience. I felt torn between the bonding that I wanted to do with my new sweet baby, and spending time letting Eli know that he was still just as important to me as ever.

Yet, here I sit, with my sweet, precious, wonderful baby boy sleeping beside me, and I can't imagine our family without him.  I feel like I have had to learn a whole new set of rules with him: he sleeps differently than Eli, nurses differently, plays differently, but each change is exciting and fun.  Juggling naptimes, bedtimes, nursing, meals and meaningful play has been an adjustment, that's for sure.  But, when Silas gently wakes us all up with his coos and smiles, and then Eli squeezes in between us to make him laugh, I know why we so badly wanted another child.  The joy that Eli's pronouncements to Silas that "if you see any bad guys, you tell your big brother, and I will get them for you" are worth more than I can express.  Silas's giggles when I run my hands across his back, or his squawks (for that's really what they are) of joy when he splashes in the bathtub, or his happy leg kicking every time Jared comes home from work bring so much happiness to our lives.

Sure, I just don't have time to spend hours staring at him, memorizing every feature of his face and recording every thing he does, but I am so grateful for the relationship that we do have, and am eternally happy that we didn't give into Eli and bring him back to the hotel.